2 weeks, 14 days, 0 regrets (well, only little ones)

Well, it's been exactly 2 weeks now since the last time I behaved like a dick. Funnily enough it's also been two weeks since the last time I drank. Could it be that the two things are connected. Hmmmm...

I've been surprised at how easy I've been finding things. I have been avoiding bars but even when I have been in bars and restaurants I haven't found it hard to say no. I've been choosing friends to go out with who wouldn't encourage me, but that's irrelevant: I usually like drinking alone at home as I can cause less trouble. 3 litres of wine in an evening at home wasn't unusual. However, I would usually cringe the next day seeing who I called or read the messages I'd texted people. And way too often I would leave the house and carry on in a bar.....

I know in my mind that everything is better without booze, but many things seem dull without it. I do wonder about the strength of my destructive streak. For someone who's afraid of dying I do a good job of trying to cut my life short.

Anyhow, I'll have a big swig of water now to celebrate 2 weeks of sobriety. Knowing my luck it'll probably go down the wrong hole and end up choking me to death.

No hangover

Yep, no more hangovers, no more puking the next day, no more self-hate and regret about what I said and did the night before. No more annoying people with drunken phone calls and text messages. I'm eating breakfast, cooking nice meals for myself, reading books again, doing sport, sleeping well (if it wasn't for the fact that there's scaffolding behind my bedroom window with builders standing on it drilling holes at 7am). And, despite my "boring" blog yesterday, my life isn't that boring. I'm probably behaving like a "normal" person who just gets on with life without having to get drunk to have a good time....Still, will I never go on another cocktail binge and wake up in a car in a field not knowing in which (from a choice of 5) countries I am in? Being the Christopher Columbus of the bar-world can be kinda fun.....

Days 7 to.....

Boring, boring, boring.....

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I last had a drink. And 1 week ago today I had my last cigarette. Everything has been pretty easy, but soooo boring. My typical day:

Wake up and try to forget that I used to have a cigarette before my eyes were open.

Have breakfast.

Do the bookwork for my job.

Go out on my bike for about 3 hours.

Eat, maybe in a restaurant with friends.

Sleep.

I'm waiting for all of the positive things to start happening to me. I don't have to cough and puke any more when I'm doing sport but I am so tired, all of the time and feel depressed and not at all motivated to do anything. Apparently this is normal. I've been out with friends in the evening this week a couple of times. One of the guys never drinks or smokes and the other guy stopped smoking years ago so they were a good choice of companions. Still, every time I smelled cigarette smoke I thought about smoking.....And I'm sure I would have had more fun with a drink or 20. But I'm feeling proud of myself.

Giving up drinking can make you feel as if you've lost a supportive friend but a friend who can't help getting you into trouble. Stopping smoking is like losing a friend who was always there for you but who will ultimately be the death of you. It's hard to stop thinking about my "friends" as I know that I really should stay out of their way. Things would also be easier if I could stop thinking about S. But that's a different story...

Day 6: how to have fun without alcohol

How do you have (as much) fun in life without alcohol?  This is something I am going to have to learn as I don't know. Maybe I will have to accept that it is something which for me is not possible. I'm not a shy person so don't need drink to overcome nervousness talking to people, but the idea of being at a party or in a bar with most of the people around me drinking fills me with horror.  I'm also a bit of a loner. I am often the centre of attention but most of the time I prefer to spend my time alone (possibly due to having to spend my evenings with for years with several people in a pub environment). I don't enjoy going out for a coffee with friends in the afternoon so why would I enjoy going out in the evenings with people and sitting there with a cup of tea? The only exception is when I have a girlfriend. With her I enjoy doing anything because I enjoy being with her. Reading beside her in bed or riding a rollercoaster (possibly) next to her are equally enjoyable. But at the moment I'm going to have to find something else due to a lack in the girlfriend department.

So, what do I enjoy doing? Before I discovered cigarettes, alcohol, and numerous other vices I wanted to be a pro cyclist. This has stayed with me over the years and I still imagine that I'm leading the Tour de France when I'm wheezing up a local hill. A couple of years ago I bought my dream bike and 3 months ago paid the last installment. However, since last summer it's been collecting dust in my hall. Went out for a couple of hours expecting to feel like a wreck but was pleasantly surprised at how my long-unused legs worked. Mentally, however, I was a wreck.

Instead of enjoying the fresh air and exercise I could only think of S. As I was back home I was really tempted to have a drink as the only thing I really love in life is being in love. Anything else is nothing in comparison. And when I lose love I lose motivation. What is the point in not drinking? Well, if I wasn't regularly a dick I would carry on. If I didn't have so many of those "why? I'm never drinking again days" then it wouldn't be a problem. If I'm honest I don't want to stop drinking. Not because I feel I can't live without it but because I don't always want to be sober. is it possible to learn to drink in moderation? I've been trying for years. And failing. But if I don't want to get drunk, I don't drink. What's the point?


Writing that last paragraph it is clear that I am a person of extremes: sober or disgustingly drunk. 50 cigarettes a day or none. In love and happy or out of love and miserable.  I am really not sure if I can enjoy life without these things. I'm pessimistic. I really am, and I'm not sure if removing either of these things from my life (drinking and smoking: love is something beyond one's control) is something which will make me happy. The smoking will kill me and the drink has caused so many problems in my time (and could also kill me), but I enjoy them.....and tomorrow I've decided to quit smoking.  I think I've already gone nuts.

Days 4 and 5

Both days have passed peacfully but I feel so very tired. What many people forget is that alcohol can fill you with energy. If I don't go out in the evening I am happy to fall asleep. In fact I find it hard to stay awake. I'm going to have to find a hobby of some sort which is unrelated to drinking. Hardly a surprise considering my job but I can't think of many people who I do anything with who aren't connected to getting drunk with.

Just been reading about Anthony Hopkins. He was a raving alcoholic who suddenly stopped drinking in 1975 after having enough of not remembering what he had done the night before. I once read that he woke up in the middle of an American desert next to an empty bottle of tequila not having a clue where he was or how he got there. I could fill a book with similar stories, such as the time I woke up in a friends car in the middle of a field, neither of us knowing in which country we were in. maybe I'll save such stories for my autobiography.

Tonight I'll have a nice granny evening and read a book with a cup of tea. I'm really going to have to find something interesting to do before I start spending every night like a pensioner....

Day 3

We are creatures of habit and yesterday I broke the habit of drinking on a Tuesday, which is regular evening for going out. Instead, I met a friend of a friend who happens to be a drink & drugs counselor. I didn' t really learn anything new, but it was good to talk to someone who had never experienced me drunk and unpleasant. The last thing I need is someone making me feel worse about myself: I'm not keen on critcism. Like any goal one has, the desire has to come from within.