2 weeks, 14 days, 0 regrets (well, only little ones)

Well, it's been exactly 2 weeks now since the last time I behaved like a dick. Funnily enough it's also been two weeks since the last time I drank. Could it be that the two things are connected. Hmmmm...

I've been surprised at how easy I've been finding things. I have been avoiding bars but even when I have been in bars and restaurants I haven't found it hard to say no. I've been choosing friends to go out with who wouldn't encourage me, but that's irrelevant: I usually like drinking alone at home as I can cause less trouble. 3 litres of wine in an evening at home wasn't unusual. However, I would usually cringe the next day seeing who I called or read the messages I'd texted people. And way too often I would leave the house and carry on in a bar.....

I know in my mind that everything is better without booze, but many things seem dull without it. I do wonder about the strength of my destructive streak. For someone who's afraid of dying I do a good job of trying to cut my life short.

Anyhow, I'll have a big swig of water now to celebrate 2 weeks of sobriety. Knowing my luck it'll probably go down the wrong hole and end up choking me to death.

No hangover

Yep, no more hangovers, no more puking the next day, no more self-hate and regret about what I said and did the night before. No more annoying people with drunken phone calls and text messages. I'm eating breakfast, cooking nice meals for myself, reading books again, doing sport, sleeping well (if it wasn't for the fact that there's scaffolding behind my bedroom window with builders standing on it drilling holes at 7am). And, despite my "boring" blog yesterday, my life isn't that boring. I'm probably behaving like a "normal" person who just gets on with life without having to get drunk to have a good time....Still, will I never go on another cocktail binge and wake up in a car in a field not knowing in which (from a choice of 5) countries I am in? Being the Christopher Columbus of the bar-world can be kinda fun.....

Days 7 to.....

Boring, boring, boring.....

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I last had a drink. And 1 week ago today I had my last cigarette. Everything has been pretty easy, but soooo boring. My typical day:

Wake up and try to forget that I used to have a cigarette before my eyes were open.

Have breakfast.

Do the bookwork for my job.

Go out on my bike for about 3 hours.

Eat, maybe in a restaurant with friends.

Sleep.

I'm waiting for all of the positive things to start happening to me. I don't have to cough and puke any more when I'm doing sport but I am so tired, all of the time and feel depressed and not at all motivated to do anything. Apparently this is normal. I've been out with friends in the evening this week a couple of times. One of the guys never drinks or smokes and the other guy stopped smoking years ago so they were a good choice of companions. Still, every time I smelled cigarette smoke I thought about smoking.....And I'm sure I would have had more fun with a drink or 20. But I'm feeling proud of myself.

Giving up drinking can make you feel as if you've lost a supportive friend but a friend who can't help getting you into trouble. Stopping smoking is like losing a friend who was always there for you but who will ultimately be the death of you. It's hard to stop thinking about my "friends" as I know that I really should stay out of their way. Things would also be easier if I could stop thinking about S. But that's a different story...

Day 6: how to have fun without alcohol

How do you have (as much) fun in life without alcohol?  This is something I am going to have to learn as I don't know. Maybe I will have to accept that it is something which for me is not possible. I'm not a shy person so don't need drink to overcome nervousness talking to people, but the idea of being at a party or in a bar with most of the people around me drinking fills me with horror.  I'm also a bit of a loner. I am often the centre of attention but most of the time I prefer to spend my time alone (possibly due to having to spend my evenings with for years with several people in a pub environment). I don't enjoy going out for a coffee with friends in the afternoon so why would I enjoy going out in the evenings with people and sitting there with a cup of tea? The only exception is when I have a girlfriend. With her I enjoy doing anything because I enjoy being with her. Reading beside her in bed or riding a rollercoaster (possibly) next to her are equally enjoyable. But at the moment I'm going to have to find something else due to a lack in the girlfriend department.

So, what do I enjoy doing? Before I discovered cigarettes, alcohol, and numerous other vices I wanted to be a pro cyclist. This has stayed with me over the years and I still imagine that I'm leading the Tour de France when I'm wheezing up a local hill. A couple of years ago I bought my dream bike and 3 months ago paid the last installment. However, since last summer it's been collecting dust in my hall. Went out for a couple of hours expecting to feel like a wreck but was pleasantly surprised at how my long-unused legs worked. Mentally, however, I was a wreck.

Instead of enjoying the fresh air and exercise I could only think of S. As I was back home I was really tempted to have a drink as the only thing I really love in life is being in love. Anything else is nothing in comparison. And when I lose love I lose motivation. What is the point in not drinking? Well, if I wasn't regularly a dick I would carry on. If I didn't have so many of those "why? I'm never drinking again days" then it wouldn't be a problem. If I'm honest I don't want to stop drinking. Not because I feel I can't live without it but because I don't always want to be sober. is it possible to learn to drink in moderation? I've been trying for years. And failing. But if I don't want to get drunk, I don't drink. What's the point?


Writing that last paragraph it is clear that I am a person of extremes: sober or disgustingly drunk. 50 cigarettes a day or none. In love and happy or out of love and miserable.  I am really not sure if I can enjoy life without these things. I'm pessimistic. I really am, and I'm not sure if removing either of these things from my life (drinking and smoking: love is something beyond one's control) is something which will make me happy. The smoking will kill me and the drink has caused so many problems in my time (and could also kill me), but I enjoy them.....and tomorrow I've decided to quit smoking.  I think I've already gone nuts.

Days 4 and 5

Both days have passed peacfully but I feel so very tired. What many people forget is that alcohol can fill you with energy. If I don't go out in the evening I am happy to fall asleep. In fact I find it hard to stay awake. I'm going to have to find a hobby of some sort which is unrelated to drinking. Hardly a surprise considering my job but I can't think of many people who I do anything with who aren't connected to getting drunk with.

Just been reading about Anthony Hopkins. He was a raving alcoholic who suddenly stopped drinking in 1975 after having enough of not remembering what he had done the night before. I once read that he woke up in the middle of an American desert next to an empty bottle of tequila not having a clue where he was or how he got there. I could fill a book with similar stories, such as the time I woke up in a friends car in the middle of a field, neither of us knowing in which country we were in. maybe I'll save such stories for my autobiography.

Tonight I'll have a nice granny evening and read a book with a cup of tea. I'm really going to have to find something interesting to do before I start spending every night like a pensioner....

Day 3

We are creatures of habit and yesterday I broke the habit of drinking on a Tuesday, which is regular evening for going out. Instead, I met a friend of a friend who happens to be a drink & drugs counselor. I didn' t really learn anything new, but it was good to talk to someone who had never experienced me drunk and unpleasant. The last thing I need is someone making me feel worse about myself: I'm not keen on critcism. Like any goal one has, the desire has to come from within.

Day 2

I've spent the day a virtual cripple. I've somehow injured my back and am in agony. It took me several attempts and several minutes to get out of bed to go to the doctor. As a (usually) rational person I almost laughed at the fact that I often wake up in agony (somewhat higher up than my back) and have problems leaving bed through my own personal choice. This got me thinking about why anyone would drink alcohol in large amounts. The list of reasons why I personally shouldn't drink is much longer than the reasons why I should:

1)  I don't like myself when I drink heavily. Jekyl and Hyde look(s) positively stable in comparison to me when I'm expelling Jägermeister fumes!

2) I don't really like the taste of alcohol: I'd actually prefer to have a fruit juice or a hot chocolate (very macho). But I've never drunk because of the taste: give me a bottle of Chateau Lafite or a cheap bottle from the supermarket. It ain't gonna getndrunk because of the taste, baby.

3) I have my own business and am the "face" of the business. I should behave like a person I wouldn't like to see in my own bar. Apart from the fact that 20 versions of me would double the takings in a week.

4) Hangovers are no fun! And I'm getting fed up with saying to myself "never again" and doing it again.

5) I don't want to die young. I'm sure that my liver is twenty years older than the rest of me. I also would like to stop smoking and that won't happen if I continue drinking.

6) Getting wine stains out of white shirts is not an easy task.

I could go on but I'm sure you get the idea.

Reasons why I should drink:

1) Makes me more relaxed and able to cope with troublesome customers (until I become too
 "relaxed" and troublesome myself).

2) It makes life more fun (true, until the point in the evening comes when things simply aren't fun anymore).

3) I have had great nights drunk and can't imagine sitting all night in a bar and enjoying myself sober (true, but I've also had as many terrible nights [see "day 1] which I can remember, as many which I can't. However, I really don't enjoy sitting in pubs sober when all around are drinking. Have to find something better to do with my evenings).

Can't really think of any other positive reasons. Well, I can, but not for myself as there is always a down side: everything starts well, and later......

As for today: I very, very rarely drink alcohol on a Monday but because I've told myself that it's now forbidden I would quite like to have a drink: what's not allowed is all the more tempting. But I can't say that I'm the verge of taking a bottle wine out of the fridge and drinking a glass. I know, I should throw it away but I have a bar! If I can resist the bottle in the fridge I can resist the alcohol surrounding me at work.

That's enough self-therapy for today, folks. Tomorrow, day 3, is Tuesday and usually the day I go out for a drink or twenty. It's become a routine. However, it's a routine that needs to be stopped.

Thanks for reading.

Day 1

That old cliché, take it day by day....The morning (or in my case the midday) after the night before.
Was at work in my bar. For a change I didn't actually drink much during work. S was with her best girlfriend in the club next door. We'd had our problems and weren't a pair anymore but we were getting on ok. Had a couple of drinks and then there was a case of mistaken identity and I went for the guy in such an aggressive way. There were enough people to stop the situation escalating I apologised later and everything was good, but the damage was done. S had seen a side of me which not even I knew and quickly left and went home, refusing to talk to me.

I consider myself to be a nice, friendly guy, and this kind of action is not in my nature. But it happened and the next day I went through the standard mix of feelings: shame, disgust, fear (of myself and repurcussions), and sadness. I would never intentionally hurt someone, especially not S, but I had done so.

Later, she came to collect her belongings, and seeing her in this horrible situation broke my heart. The one person whose love and friendship I wanted more than anything else was disgusted by the monster which she briefly saw. As was I.

After she had gone I went into my bar, sat down for 10 minutes, the most miserable boy in town,  and almost automatically poured myself a whisky to drown my sorrows. For some reason my brain decided to work and I poured the whisky away without taking a sip. Why on earth did I want to prolong the agony with the cause of the agony? To a "normal" person this doesn't sound very impressive, but I was pleasantly surprised and a little proud, too. One small step for mankind, one giant leap for me. I went home and decided it was finally time to take action.

I thought about writing a diary in book form and sending S a copy on a regular basis but the idea of logging my "battle" in such a private way didn't seem to provide the kind of motivation I needed. That's how the idea of the blog came about. Although I'm anonymous here, the idea of publishing my diary to a potentially huge audience. Instead of simply letting myself and the people who know me (and those who have had the misfortune of meeting me in a pissed off, drunk state) down, I could be disappointing thousands, millions, billions of people (I'm being somewhat optimistic).

Ironically (well, not really that ironic), I felt too hungover on day 1 of my diary to write anything constructive. So, with new optimism, I've started on day 2. The first day was spent wallowing in self-pity. Wouldn't have been a good state to start writing...

A little bit about me.....and the booze

Personal info

I'm a 40 year old English man who lives on the European mainland. I emigrated 1998 for the usual reason (other than work or being on the run).  As the name of this blog suggests, I work in the bar business: for 12 years as a barkeeper and for 3 years I've owned my own bar.

Drinking history

My parents had the bright idea of introducing my brother and me to alcohol "because that's what they do in France and the French kids don't reach the legal drinking age and turn into raving alcoholics". They forgot that we don't have any French genes.....

As a toddler I had one of chairs with wheels that are used to teach kids to walk. I soon got the hang of this and used to zoom passed my grandfather and steal his gin and it (gin with sweet vermouth: not exactly what the other toddlers in the neighbourhood were drinking, I'm sure).

As a teenager I was more into weed and getting stoned. Sure, I got drunk sometimes, but my friends and I were more interested in getting high and watching movies. Growing up in a small town we certainly saw a lot of fights caused by bored drunks at weekends but, until one of these guys put a glass in my neck, was never a victim of drunken violence. At the party I went to after I had 30 stiches put in, we stoners all agreed that alcohol was not the best drug...

When I was 20 I moved to London to study and suddenly felt lonely and friendless. On the first evening there I went to the bar at the end of the street and started meeting people. The pub became my refuge. The only people I knew were regulars and it became hard to stay away.

In my mid-twenties I met a German girl and moved away with her. The relationship didn't last long, mainly becuase I got a job in a bar and was more interested in partying. Not too much, only 7 nights a week or so. As I was always working I couldn't go out at the weekend like a normal person so work was the only chance I had to socialise and party. Once again, although I was on the other side of the bar, the regulars were my only friends and "friends".

Nowadays I don't drink often, maybe 2 or 3 times a week, but always too much. I can't simply have a beer or 2 to relax. I can tell myself a million times to stop after a couple but it's pointless. Something in my brain switches and I know that I will soon be drunk. That's why I don't drink as regularly. And the hangovers....10 years ago a couple of Aspirin and a quick puke would work and in a couple of hours I'd be skipping around like a lamb in springtime. These days I look too kaput to be an extra in a zombie movie.

So, enough of that. Let the diary begin!

Battle of the bottle

How to stop drinking (by someone who earns his money by selling alcohol)

Welcome to you all.

Losing someone you love is always sad, especially when you know that it could have been avoided by having been sober.

Today, my now ex-girlfriend collected the last of her things from me and returned her set of keys to my apartment. The situation was complicated anyway, but what tipped the balance was something I did whilst drunk in the small hours of the day, an act of aggression (not against her, but bad enough) which this easy going, nice guy, wouldn't have dreamed of doing sober. I'm not sure what kind of monster came out of me, but its source was definitely out of a bottle.

After she drove away the next day, my first thought was to drink something and drown my sorrows. This is not an untypical response for many people, but seeing as it was the major cause of the problem it seemed like a ridiculous thing to do. Chances are that I would end up doing something stupid again. That's when the idea for writing this blog came to me. How could I turn a negative action into a positive one?

I've told myself many times, usually with good reason, that I should finally stop drinking. This time I feel more determined than ever and this blog will hopefully motivate me to do this. After a few days the ex will hopefully have cooled off and I will ask her to read this. I don't know if I will ever get her back, but at least she can see that someone she cares about is trying to do something to turn his life around. Above all I want to stay off the booze for myself. I'm not lying in the gutter but I have done enough bad things in my life under the influence to feel ashamed and even, in retrospect, frightened: sometimes I think that it's a wonder that I'm not dead or that I haven't caused someone else's death.

Hopefully, other people in similar situations will read this diary and motivate me to stay dry, as I hope I can also motivate them. I also hope that I can amuse you while doing this.

Feel free to comment and thanks for reading.

Slim