How do you have (as much) fun in life without alcohol? This is something I am going to have to learn as I don't know. Maybe I will have to accept that it is something which for me is not possible. I'm not a shy person so don't need drink to overcome nervousness talking to people, but the idea of being at a party or in a bar with most of the people around me drinking fills me with horror. I'm also a bit of a loner. I am often the centre of attention but most of the time I prefer to spend my time alone (possibly due to having to spend my evenings with for years with several people in a pub environment). I don't enjoy going out for a coffee with friends in the afternoon so why would I enjoy going out in the evenings with people and sitting there with a cup of tea? The only exception is when I have a girlfriend. With her I enjoy doing anything because I enjoy being with her. Reading beside her in bed or riding a rollercoaster (possibly) next to her are equally enjoyable. But at the moment I'm going to have to find something else due to a lack in the girlfriend department.
So, what do I enjoy doing? Before I discovered cigarettes, alcohol, and numerous other vices I wanted to be a pro cyclist. This has stayed with me over the years and I still imagine that I'm leading the Tour de France when I'm wheezing up a local hill. A couple of years ago I bought my dream bike and 3 months ago paid the last installment. However, since last summer it's been collecting dust in my hall. Went out for a couple of hours expecting to feel like a wreck but was pleasantly surprised at how my long-unused legs worked. Mentally, however, I was a wreck.
Instead of enjoying the fresh air and exercise I could only think of S. As I was back home I was really tempted to have a drink as the only thing I really love in life is being in love. Anything else is nothing in comparison. And when I lose love I lose motivation. What is the point in not drinking? Well, if I wasn't regularly a dick I would carry on. If I didn't have so many of those "why? I'm never drinking again days" then it wouldn't be a problem. If I'm honest I don't want to stop drinking. Not because I feel I can't live without it but because I don't always want to be sober. is it possible to learn to drink in moderation? I've been trying for years. And failing. But if I don't want to get drunk, I don't drink. What's the point?
Writing that last paragraph it is clear that I am a person of extremes: sober or disgustingly drunk. 50 cigarettes a day or none. In love and happy or out of love and miserable. I am really not sure if I can enjoy life without these things. I'm pessimistic. I really am, and I'm not sure if removing either of these things from my life (drinking and smoking: love is something beyond one's control) is something which will make me happy. The smoking will kill me and the drink has caused so many problems in my time (and could also kill me), but I enjoy them.....and tomorrow I've decided to quit smoking. I think I've already gone nuts.
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